The Audacity of Being Your Own Kind of Woman

Written By Jessica Van Grouw

Anyone else exhausted by the patriarchy? Welcome 👋

June 24, 2025 marked three years since the decision on Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization overturned Roe v. Wade.1 Then, only a couple of weeks later the ‘Big Beautiful Bill’ (known in my home as the Big đŸ’© Bill) was passed and government funding for Planned Parenthood via Medicaid was stripped for up to a year which will likely result in 200 health centers in 24 states being at risk of closure and a million plus people at risk of losing healthcare.2 This is the dumpster fire on top of the dumpster pile of criminalization of pregnancy outcomes,3 attacks on IVF, and the endless hand-wringing of the “Christian” conservative right on the declining birth rate.

While lawmakers steamroll forward to control bodies that aren’t theirs, the asinine pressure on women extends into everyday conversations. Being a woman who hasn’t had children - and might not - continues to feel radical and political. 

In my 20s practically no one asked me about my plans for kids and, to be honest, I didn’t even think about them. It is mainly in the past seven-ish years (yes, since 2016) that the growing amount of inquiries, pressure, and unsolicited opinions has compounded in my everyday experience. I can’t even read the news these last few months without being inundated with the question: Why aren’t women having kids?! The New York Times alone has had seven, yes - seven, articles in the past few months (I suspect there may even be more) that range from fretting about the declining birth rate to opinion pieces trying to psycho analyze why folks aren’t procreating. (So you know I’m not exaggerating, the articles are listed below.) To illustrate my point even further, I’ve cherry picked a few experiences that left me reaching for the wine bottle over the past several weeks and, to be clear, these are not even all of the experiences that I had where people felt entitled to investigate my choices IN ONLY A FEW WEEKS TIME. 

The following are all, sadly, very real events:

  1. My husband and I traveled 2.5 hours to attend a first birthday party for a cousin’s son. We were very excited, especially since they had traveled in from out of state and we hadn’t seen them since the fall. We arrive and immediately start helping to set up, giving hugs, exchanging oohs and aahs over the growth of the baby and run around with the gaggle of dogs and kids flitting about. 

    The time for grilling begins and as my husband and his cousins are outside I step out to join them for a few minutes as the cacophony of shrieks and laughs and cries begins to become a bit of sensory overload. The conversation starts innocently enough and then turns to folks asking about each other’s kids when I’m abruptly turned to and asked, “So when are you going to make Danny a dad?” I look around like, is this conversation really happening?! Sadly, it was.

  2. I attended a friend’s 90s themed birthday party. Again, I entered this party excited. I haven’t seen this friend in months and I was looking forward to catching up with her and her sisters. In the midst of the plaid, boy bands, and baggy pants I’m introduced to a few of her friends that I’m not well acquainted with. We start off pretty well, making jokes, exchanging stories of our friend in her youth, and just being silly and casual. 

    A couple of rounds of flip-cup later (don’t judge, sometimes silly fun is just what the doctor ordered) and I find myself in a conversation with a woman who dived into her personal trauma and how it was affecting her kids. She then looks me right in the eyes and goes, “So are you and your husband having kids?” 

    I made a quick decision and decided to be honest and said, “I don’t know, it’s not currently in our plan”. However, that then apparently opened the floodgates for her to climb up her patronizing pedestal and tell me that “saying no is completely acceptable” and “people who don’t have kids can travel” and “I think you should just be more confident in your answer”. For, I kid you not, twenty minutes. Like what the đŸ€Ź. 

  3. My husband and I haven’t spent time with his parents in a few months so we reached out and invited them to dinner with us and were, yet again, feeling excited. Once the plans were all laid out, there is a brief pause and my husband starts to wrap up the phone call. However, before he can get very far his mother goes, “so when are you having kids? I want a grandson.” F.M.L.

Here’s the thing, each of these moments on their own are not terrible and full transparency I genuinely like and in some cases even love the people that these experiences happened with. However, the regularity of conversations like these leads me to be fed up and thinking:

  • Why are people obsessed with asking women this question? 

  • Why does a person sans children need to fill their life with something "extraordinary" like traveling when they already find joy in everyday things like talking to their nephew or finding a pepper growing in their vegetable garden? 

  • Why do I need to achieve other people’s expectations and complete their wants?

  • Why am I, the woman, made out to be the one “holding up” the baby-making process?

  • Have any of you considered that asking this might hurt or might not be any of your business?

This kind of pressure can make you question yourself and your choices, until you remember all of the women who came before you who fought in small and big ways so you could make your own decisions. 

In my previous post I introduced you to my grandmother, Marie, and gave you a glimpse of the life she lived as a career woman, a single mom, a divorcee, and as a leader of her family all during a time when none of these paths for women were widely accepted, much less encouraged. That spirit of forging the life I want for myself comes from her. I’ve realized how much that kind of clarity costs women and as a result how often we’re asked to justify our choices. 

Even hugely successful women like Tracee Ellis Ross and Kim Cattrall are relentlessly asked why they don’t have kids. Kamala Harris — KAMALA FREAKIN’ HARRIS! — has even had to navigate constant critiques for having stepchildren but no biological children of her own. I’m beyond grateful to have women like Kamala and Tracee who speak publicly about lives that are full, meaningful, and not centered on motherhood. I greatly admire and look up to these women who have responded with intentionality, clarity, and a refusal to apologize for the life they’ve led. 

In case you didn’t know by now, politics are personal. The pressure and control that the patriarchal system continues to perpetuate feels like it's pushing women all over the world closer and closer to eruption. 

In South Korea, where birth rates are the lowest in the world, a growing number of women have joined the 4B movement, a collective “swearing off of sex, dating, marriage, and babies”.4 The movement began in the 2010s as a form of personal protest and has grown into a cultural rebellion.

Across Latin America the Green Wave movement advocates for abortion access and has been able to move the needle in instances like the decriminalization of seeking abortion in Mexico, the expanded exceptions for abortion in Ecuador, and the decriminalization of abortion up to 14 weeks in Argentina.5 

You have Malala Yousafzai who since she was a young woman has been fighting for girls and their right to education and their right to choose their own futures. She continues to do this today through her organization, Malala Fund. 

Global resistance to patriarchal systems isn’t a trend, it’s defiance teetering on the edge of insurgence. It’s women opting out of or pushing against systems that have failed to care for them or see them. It’s a humming message to world governments (ours included) who are doubling down on pressure, shame, and control that we still have strength, dignity, and the will to push back.

So, what can we do as women’s access to care is being chipped away, as maternal mortality rates rise and disproportionately affect Black and Brown mothers,6 and general society pushes to sequester women back into gendered paths? 

If you’re new to using your voice, it’s okay to start small. For example, if you’re someone who asks others about their plans to have children as a way to connect, here are a few questions you can ask instead:

  • What’s bringing you joy lately?

  • What does a meaningful life look like to you?

  • Is there anything new you’ve been exploring or learning about lately?

  • What’s something you’ve recently read or watched that made you pause and think?

To be transparent, the pressure to explain, to comply, to perform isn’t just rude or exhausting, it's systemic. I encourage you to push yourself to think outside the box and ask about one of the many other interesting parts of a person.

Want to level up?! Instead of scrolling through social media after your morning alarm goes off, take those 15 minutes (if we are being honest, it's more like 30 minutes, am I right? 😉) to educate yourself. Check-out Center for Reproductive Rights’ news feed and In Our Own Voice: National Black Women's Reproductive Justice Agenda for the latest news on policy and advocacy efforts. If you still need your social media fix in the morning, follow Tiffany J Marie on Instagram and watch her witty videos that talk about the experiences and lifestyles of childless women. 

Ready to dive even further into the resistance?! Donate or volunteer at your local Planned Parenthood. Support or join the fight against pregnancy criminalization with Pregnancy Justice. Help keep education accessible to girls and women across the world with the Malala Fund. Contact your local representatives using 5 Calls, and let them know you want them to oppose and vote against any policy attacks on reproductive freedom.

Whether you're ready to show up in small or big ways, the goal is to build a world where everyone can safely shape the life they want for themselves. 

Let’s go, ladies đŸ’Ș

Bibliography

1 “The Dobbs v. Jackson Decision, Annotated (Published 2022).” The New York Times, 24 June 2022.

2 Lee, Chantelle. “Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill’ Threatens Planned Parenthood Funds.” Time, 1 July 2025.

3 Bach, Wendy A, and Madalyn K Wasilczuk. “Pregnancy as a Crime: A Preliminary Report on the First Year After Dobbs.” Pregnancy Justice, Sept. 2024.

4 Windsor, Richard. “4B Movement: What Is It and How Did It Start?” The Week UK, 15 May 2024.

5 Sobol, Virginia. “Latin America’s Green Wave.” Center for Reproductive Rights, 15 March 2025.

6 Gibbs, Anna. “U.S. Pregnancy-Related Deaths Continuing to Rise.” Harvard Gazette, 23 Apr. 2025. Samuelson, Kristin. “U.S. Maternal Death Rate Increasing at an Alarming Rate.” Northwestern Now, 18 May 2024. Gunja, Munira Z., et al. “Insights into the U.S. Maternal Mortality Crisis: An International Comparison.” The Commonwealth Fund, 4 June 2024.

Those New York Times articles I mentioned earlier:

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Jessica Van Grouw